Favorite Place

So... this is going to sound weird. My favorite place is a boulder in the middle of the woods. It's hidden from civilization. It is always damp and cool. The fresh forest smell is as strong as it can get. It's quiet, always. And I am the only one who knows it exists.

Ahhh...

I am not normal. I have never been to a Poetry Slam but I'm going tonight to perform in a Champoinship Slam Competition. I can't wait. I should be pee-my-pants nervous, but, I'm not. I am so excited. I love being in front of a crowd. I love making people listen to me. I love the exhilaration of spilling my heart out and making people feel exactly what I want them to. Realistically, I will probably get eliminated in the first round. But, I will keep practicing and get better... because I love the stage... because I love becoming someone else when I'm on stage... beceause I love poetry.

Give Thanks

I love thanksgiving. But, it is a strange holiday. It began when the Pilgrims and Native Americans made a pact of some sort and ate food together. Then, the Americans slaughtered the Native Americans... thanks for the meal and your land? Modern Day Thanksgiving is meaningless to a lot of America. What are you thankful for on this Thursday in November? Well, I'll be thankful for pie, thankful for my family, thankful that I live in America, thankful for everything that is good... but, who am I to define good? Good could be something terrible where the outcome is a blessing, something good today could turn into something awful tomorrow. So... in this fast paced, ever changing American lifestyle, will what we are thankful for today, change tomorrow? It is a puzzle.

Emily Dickinson Poem

You left me, sweet, two legacies,--
A legacy of love
A Heavenly Father would content,
Had He the offer of;

You left me boundaries of pain
Capacious as the sea,
Between eternity and time,
Your consciousness and me.

This poem is untitled. It reminds me of... the death of a loved one. I guess, my own interpretation is based off a current situation. 1st, left with love: of course you'll leave; it's your job. But, will you, as you are, return? It seems that war changes those who witness it. Will you return at all, or will you leave that "sea of pain" to blow chilly winds across my heart. If you don't return, your consciousness will haunt me. The world will continue spinning... but, it will lose someone that brought life to it's death. I don't want to think about this anymore... what am I getting myself into?

Heart Transplant

So I was thinking this morning about having a couple cookies. My mom bought a bag of Italian cookies last night, they are SO GOOD! But, they are not a healthy breakfast. I wanted one for breakfast anyway. Thought process: "Hannah, you shouldn't really have cookies for breakfast. Sugar causes wrinkles." "Yeah, but they are so good." "They aren't good for your heart. You can always get cookies later on, you can't get another heart." "Oh wait... yes I can. I guess I'll have a cookie."

Insane right? I don't think I should be thinking about getting a heart transplant at 17.

Christmas and Reality

It seems that during the Christmas season reality is dulled by everything... the snow, the lights, the trees-indoors, the music, the music, the smiles, the gifts, the reason (who seems to be forgotten). During Christmas-time the world seems happy, and it's beautiful. It is strange that such a season could bring such happiness. I don't know why it would... it's just another time of the year, that comes and goes every year. Christmas is the ultimate time for togetherness, maybe, or the idea of home is even more powerful. I can't explain it, I just know that it's contagious. I don't really like the idea of gifts, it just seems to take away from what Christmas really means, in my family, at least. Merry Christmas! This will not be the last Christmas blog.

Why I Couldn't Sleep Last Night

My insomnia lately has been caused by things unknown to me... but, last night I know exactly why I couldn't sleep. I think, for the first time in months I've been 100% honest about my feelings toward someone. I was actually happy, which, I guess, is a feeling I'm not used to. I didn't really even think about sleeping, I just thought about the 1.5 hour phone conversation, and how crazy this entire situation is. I don't really understand why I should even be happy, since he is stationed in FL and I can't see him, but I am. I am feeling the effects of 2 hours of sleep right now though. It's going to be a slow day.

Favorite Saying...

I use the phrase "it could be worse" a lot. People complain so much these days when they probably shouldn't. There are so many people out there that have it worse than them. Our society is just self-centered. It really is a shame because if we looked outside our own situations maybe we would open our hearts to the less fortunate... instead of thinking our, poor American souls, are the least fortunate in the world. Open your eyes. Open your eyes. There is a world of hurt outside this box that we've created for ourselves, and we never reach out a hand to help the hurting because we cannot see beyond ourselves.

First recording contract

This is a prompt. I have not landed any recording contracts, unfortunately. But here is the list of the 15 imaginary songs on my imaginary debut album.

Title: Alive

1. Alive
2. Streetlight Serenade
3. Jumbled Words
4. Carelessly Careful
5. Dreaming Alone
6. Sight Through Sound
7. Time
8. Miss How You Speak
9. Boxing Shadows
10. How You Are
11. Searching for Nothing
12. Break
13. Fish Ponds and Small Frogs
14. Every Sound has an Echo
15. Closer Now

This album's genre is alternative... that is the only genre I'd fit into.

Dreams

I had a very strange dream-type-thing just before I fell asleep last night. I was walking down a dirt path in the woods and a green tail-thing was swirling around in the road. Then I heard a dinosaur roar and a big crashing footstep. So, I dove behind a log and and called my mom. Then I thought to myself, if I continue dreaming about this I will have a nightmare, so I woke up and got the dinosaur out of my head. Next I started to think about school and probably had a dream about school... but, I don't remember.

Life and Lyric

Life is strange. I'm sure you all know exactly what I mean. Life is a series of rhythms and beats that we seek to move with, sit down and ignore, or fail to follow. The beats pulse like hearts pounding against all odds, slower sometimes quicker other times. They reverberate along the lines of life's melody, quickening the tempo, forcing us to speed up, when we want to slow down. Gracelessly, we stumble along the lines we ceaselessly fail to see. We walk blindly along life's bar lines. The strangest part, to me, is that we allow others to write our music for us. Every rest, every note, every accent, is made by another person's impact on our lives. I guess, what I'm trying to say is... the only way to follow such complex sheet music is to write it ourselves.

Snow...

Sometimes the world puts a mask on. A mask, clean and white. A chilling mask, disasterous and deadly, but blanketing and sheltering. The snow covers branches, earth, and leaves like a false dream. A dream mistaken for a nightmare on the dead reaches of the street. Snow leaves morning grave-silent and still. Snow makes homes warmer. Snow makes imaginations more vivid. Snow makes pies and cookies appear on countertops. Snow makes plastic bags into coats for those on the street. Snow makes bodies warmer. Desires grow while watching flames lick the bricks lining fireplaces, teasing, tasting,. Snow makes Christmas feel like Christmas, and empty cupboards full from "charitable donations". Snow brings rose to cheeks, and scarlet wine to mouths. Snow causes celebration, migration, fornication and hibernation.

Time

I was sitting on the bed in the spare room this morning. I heard the faint tick, tick of a watch lost somewhere in the mess of drawers and baskets... lost in time, lost in itself. I sat listening to it for a while and thought: every tick of that little lost watch represents a second of time that I can never get back. I waste my time online, watching tv, staying in town. I waste seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, a lifetime... doing things that I don't care about. What I want is to make my life an adventure. I never want to be bored, and I never want to lonely. I am bored and lonely all the time, now. I was looking through pictures last night of when I was young. It seems like it was just yesterday when I could walk up to my brother or sister and give them a great big hug and tell them I loved them. Now, it's so hard to show love, those feelings of gratitude must be hidden... and I don't know why. I will try to start showing people that I love, that I love them. I will no longer waste my precious time, being proud.

Weather

The prompt today is... what type of weather are you like?

I am like dusk. Just after the sun falls behind the mountains, and a gentle wind blows silky clouds to brush noiselessly past the Cheshire Cat moon. The light from the sun is dim, almost like a light from the past, almost like it is trying not to be forgotten. The stars shimmer in the Eastern sky and blinking red lights from jet planes full of people I'll never meet pass overhead. The deep/sharp "who" from a waking owl repeats and repeats as the bird creates an echo by itself. The trees are black against the deep purple of the sky. I'm lonely like the moon is, only part of myself. Within this solitude, I find a near-peace. So close, it is, but just out of reach.

Underwater...

I guess, I need to write this down. The other night I saw a sunset so extraordinary. It was so normal, with greys, blues and white, no bright colors. But sunsets, depending on who you share them with, are incredible. We stood in the parking lot under a sky that tumbled and flowed over and within itself. "It looks like we're underwater," I said. "You would say that, Hannah. You're so poetic." Ah, yes I would, and who better to be underwater with than you? It was one of those simple things that makes my heart stop for a second and wait for my brain to catch up. It's words that break barriers. It's also words that break hearts. So, I fear this feeling, but this time I'm not going to run from it. This time I'll fence it in, control it, and let it free piece by piece, because this emotion is nothing to be scared of.

All Hallow's Eve...

In modern day society, Halloween can be quite happy. Children run around, dressed cute or scary, and get candy from adults who flock over their little costumes. But, way back when, Halloween was kind of an evil holiday. Some may have been happy, but most were frightened by it.


My Halloween was absolutely amazing. I spent 8.5 hours talking with the most amazing guy ever. Then, I went and hung out with two awesome ladies in a hot tub. I also learned something about myself.


I am afraid of being emotionally hurt, to the point that I can't get close to anyone. It seems like every attempt that I make to make something permanent, it seems to almost immediately fall apart. I don't know how to solve this problem, but I guess I need to try to, otherwise I'm going to continue to be used by people who don't care about me, and continue to use people who I don't care about.