My Christmas Wishlist...

I will show you! =] Pictures are better than words in this case.

My favorite food...

is pie. I love pie, all kinds of pie except for meat pies. Why do I love it so much? Well, I don't know. I don't know why I like things, some things just appeal to me (and my taste buds in this case). Well, this is all for my blog... except for the pictures of yummy pie. =]

Andrew Wyeth

Andrew Wyeth is my second favorite painter. 1st is Salvador Dali. I can't really explain why I like either of them, I just do.

This is a Dali painting. It is creepy and confusing. It is pure chaos. I love it.

Amigos

This post is to all of my friends that I miss seeing.

I got a random call last night from my distant best friend. We didn't really have long to talk, but it was nice to talk to him.

Christmas time has the ability to make me wish I was with all of the people I love. I guess it's just a time of the season that makes me want to be around my family and not stress about life. This Christmas vacation I am going to promise myself that I'll see all of those friends that I never have a chance to see. I don't want life to get the better of certain friendships. I should care about all of my friendships... but I don't. I have always known that some will vanish when I go to college, that's just the way it is. Life will distance you from friends, but only your true friends will last through the distance.

Holiday Gifts

If I could give any gift to any person in the world it would be a plane ticket and some time off to that same Marine that I ranted about in previous posts. I still care about him, and want to see him terribly.

I suppose I could give food to hungry African children. Or I could build someone a home. But, it's just what I want...

Trimming the Tree

So, my brother Gabe is home for the entire month of December. Even though I have 3 siblings it feels like I actually have one. None of my siblings have ever lived in the same house as me since I was like 7. So, last night, Gabe, my mom, and I put lights and ornaments on the tree and listened to Christmas music. It was sort of bittersweet. I wish we could have done that every year as a family. I hate how life brings even families apart. It made me think about how next year I'll be living somewhere far from home. I won't be able to help trim the tree because it'll be up before Christmas break. At least we did things right this year. Christmas is a wonderful time of year.

We also had a discussion about the STUPIDITY of Santa Clause. (It is stupid) It seems like it's more for parents than kids. The parents get more angry than the children if another child tells them that Santa is make-believe. Another strange Christmas tradition is the tree. We put a dead tree up in our house, put multicolored lights on it, and hang little trinkets all on it's branches. When you think about it... it's weird right? But it does somehow bring the season to life.

Imagination

"Tell me about your day at school."



"Well first, the teacher made us put away our coats. I accidentally fell trying to change my boots. Lucy kicked some snow on me and it landed in my eye, then I threw some snow at her from the bottom of my boots. The teacher didn't s..."



"Hannah, you should throw snow at people..."



"And then, at snack time, I traded my apple for a cookie."



"Hannah, cookies are not healthy."



"... it was a good cookie, Mom. Anyway, we learned about letters, actually, we were on H today. I raised my hand and said H-H-Hannah. And at nap time, a green dragon came into..."



"Now, Hannah, did a green dragon really come into your classroom?"



"Yes. It flew around the room. All of the other kids were scaed of it, but I liked him. He just forgot how to get back outside, like birds do som..."



"I want to hear about what really happened at school today, Hannah. You aren't supposed to lie."



"Birds get stuck indoors sometimes. The dragon kept nudging the window with his nose. I opened the window for him. Ms. Tomlin said that we'd all get a cold, but I told her that the dragon nee..."



"Hannah, stop lying. A dragon did not come into your classroom today."



"It flew out the window. It waved when it was way high up in the sky. Ms. Tomlin sent me to the office because I opened the window for the dragon. But, I had to leave the window open because the dragon was singing me a song when he was in the sky... it was a beautiful dragon-song, mommy."



"Go to your room, Hannah, lying is not okay."

Favorite Christmas Songs

Favorites from last to first...


10. Joy to the World
9. O Come All Ye Faithful
8. Do You Hear What I Hear
7. Little Drummer Boy
6. O Holy Night
5. Silent Night
4. The First Noel
3. What Child is This
2. We Three Kings
1. O Come O Come Emmanuel


I don't really like the stupid little jingles about Santa. I like the songs that have the real meaning of Christmas. I could go on and on and on... but, I won't. Merry Christmas!

Ideas for Blog Posts

My favorite thing to blog about is my dreams. Maybe a prompt about the worst nightmare ever.

I also like food, a lot. So if we could blog about our favorite food or dessert and post delicious pictures, that would be super fun.

Blogging about the future is also kind of fun. Things like: where I'm going to live, what I'm going to be doing, who I'm going to be with; these are all really profound topics for me, they are fun.

Blog about what Julian and I were just talking about...

So... I might be going to the Olive Garden on Sunday. Julian wants to know who I'm going with, but I can't tell him because the plans are set in stone and I don't want to jinx it. He used the mindset but I'm your best friend, you can tell me anything. But, I can't tell him. I do trust him I just don't want my plans to get all squashed. I'm not even going to get my hopes up because when I do, the plans get ruined. So... the moral is: if personal gain could potentially be lost, do not tell your best friend the secret. =]

The War...

I think that President Obama's speech last night, addressing the War in Afghanistan, was mostly pretty words. He is sending out 30,000 more troops, and giving those troops 18 months to give power to the Afghan people. 1st, he set a time limit. He shouldn't have even estimated how long it will take, because no one really knows. 2nd, how many times has the Afghan government been overthrown by the Taliban? Way too many. 3rd, he was mostly using pretty, patriotic words, to appeal to the American citizens. America is in this war. There are no time limits to war. The Taliban is a force to be reckoned with, our government needs to help the Afghan government for as long as they need our help. I could go on and on... But, I won't. I'm sure you all know my opinion by now.

Facebook... ugh

I now have a relationship status on Facebook. Why? Well, honestly, I don't really know. I had been opposed to having one before today for the sole purpose of: if someone is interested, then they have to be interested enough to ask me if I have a boyfriend. Today I decided that I don't really care. I'm single... yay? I guess I'm getting a little bit tired of this long distance, off and on bullsh*t. So, I'm single. Forget you. You're more in love with yourself than you are with anyone else anyway. Wow... that sounded bitter. Ummm, what I should've said was: when you actually start caring about people, give me a call, until then, I hope you are happy and safe. Obviously I still care about you. But, I really can't do this anymore.

Bloggers, eat this up. This is my public break-up. The person that I want to read this, won't. So, the world wide web will have to do.

Favorite Place

So... this is going to sound weird. My favorite place is a boulder in the middle of the woods. It's hidden from civilization. It is always damp and cool. The fresh forest smell is as strong as it can get. It's quiet, always. And I am the only one who knows it exists.

Ahhh...

I am not normal. I have never been to a Poetry Slam but I'm going tonight to perform in a Champoinship Slam Competition. I can't wait. I should be pee-my-pants nervous, but, I'm not. I am so excited. I love being in front of a crowd. I love making people listen to me. I love the exhilaration of spilling my heart out and making people feel exactly what I want them to. Realistically, I will probably get eliminated in the first round. But, I will keep practicing and get better... because I love the stage... because I love becoming someone else when I'm on stage... beceause I love poetry.

Give Thanks

I love thanksgiving. But, it is a strange holiday. It began when the Pilgrims and Native Americans made a pact of some sort and ate food together. Then, the Americans slaughtered the Native Americans... thanks for the meal and your land? Modern Day Thanksgiving is meaningless to a lot of America. What are you thankful for on this Thursday in November? Well, I'll be thankful for pie, thankful for my family, thankful that I live in America, thankful for everything that is good... but, who am I to define good? Good could be something terrible where the outcome is a blessing, something good today could turn into something awful tomorrow. So... in this fast paced, ever changing American lifestyle, will what we are thankful for today, change tomorrow? It is a puzzle.

Emily Dickinson Poem

You left me, sweet, two legacies,--
A legacy of love
A Heavenly Father would content,
Had He the offer of;

You left me boundaries of pain
Capacious as the sea,
Between eternity and time,
Your consciousness and me.

This poem is untitled. It reminds me of... the death of a loved one. I guess, my own interpretation is based off a current situation. 1st, left with love: of course you'll leave; it's your job. But, will you, as you are, return? It seems that war changes those who witness it. Will you return at all, or will you leave that "sea of pain" to blow chilly winds across my heart. If you don't return, your consciousness will haunt me. The world will continue spinning... but, it will lose someone that brought life to it's death. I don't want to think about this anymore... what am I getting myself into?

Heart Transplant

So I was thinking this morning about having a couple cookies. My mom bought a bag of Italian cookies last night, they are SO GOOD! But, they are not a healthy breakfast. I wanted one for breakfast anyway. Thought process: "Hannah, you shouldn't really have cookies for breakfast. Sugar causes wrinkles." "Yeah, but they are so good." "They aren't good for your heart. You can always get cookies later on, you can't get another heart." "Oh wait... yes I can. I guess I'll have a cookie."

Insane right? I don't think I should be thinking about getting a heart transplant at 17.

Christmas and Reality

It seems that during the Christmas season reality is dulled by everything... the snow, the lights, the trees-indoors, the music, the music, the smiles, the gifts, the reason (who seems to be forgotten). During Christmas-time the world seems happy, and it's beautiful. It is strange that such a season could bring such happiness. I don't know why it would... it's just another time of the year, that comes and goes every year. Christmas is the ultimate time for togetherness, maybe, or the idea of home is even more powerful. I can't explain it, I just know that it's contagious. I don't really like the idea of gifts, it just seems to take away from what Christmas really means, in my family, at least. Merry Christmas! This will not be the last Christmas blog.

Why I Couldn't Sleep Last Night

My insomnia lately has been caused by things unknown to me... but, last night I know exactly why I couldn't sleep. I think, for the first time in months I've been 100% honest about my feelings toward someone. I was actually happy, which, I guess, is a feeling I'm not used to. I didn't really even think about sleeping, I just thought about the 1.5 hour phone conversation, and how crazy this entire situation is. I don't really understand why I should even be happy, since he is stationed in FL and I can't see him, but I am. I am feeling the effects of 2 hours of sleep right now though. It's going to be a slow day.

Favorite Saying...

I use the phrase "it could be worse" a lot. People complain so much these days when they probably shouldn't. There are so many people out there that have it worse than them. Our society is just self-centered. It really is a shame because if we looked outside our own situations maybe we would open our hearts to the less fortunate... instead of thinking our, poor American souls, are the least fortunate in the world. Open your eyes. Open your eyes. There is a world of hurt outside this box that we've created for ourselves, and we never reach out a hand to help the hurting because we cannot see beyond ourselves.

First recording contract

This is a prompt. I have not landed any recording contracts, unfortunately. But here is the list of the 15 imaginary songs on my imaginary debut album.

Title: Alive

1. Alive
2. Streetlight Serenade
3. Jumbled Words
4. Carelessly Careful
5. Dreaming Alone
6. Sight Through Sound
7. Time
8. Miss How You Speak
9. Boxing Shadows
10. How You Are
11. Searching for Nothing
12. Break
13. Fish Ponds and Small Frogs
14. Every Sound has an Echo
15. Closer Now

This album's genre is alternative... that is the only genre I'd fit into.

Dreams

I had a very strange dream-type-thing just before I fell asleep last night. I was walking down a dirt path in the woods and a green tail-thing was swirling around in the road. Then I heard a dinosaur roar and a big crashing footstep. So, I dove behind a log and and called my mom. Then I thought to myself, if I continue dreaming about this I will have a nightmare, so I woke up and got the dinosaur out of my head. Next I started to think about school and probably had a dream about school... but, I don't remember.

Life and Lyric

Life is strange. I'm sure you all know exactly what I mean. Life is a series of rhythms and beats that we seek to move with, sit down and ignore, or fail to follow. The beats pulse like hearts pounding against all odds, slower sometimes quicker other times. They reverberate along the lines of life's melody, quickening the tempo, forcing us to speed up, when we want to slow down. Gracelessly, we stumble along the lines we ceaselessly fail to see. We walk blindly along life's bar lines. The strangest part, to me, is that we allow others to write our music for us. Every rest, every note, every accent, is made by another person's impact on our lives. I guess, what I'm trying to say is... the only way to follow such complex sheet music is to write it ourselves.

Snow...

Sometimes the world puts a mask on. A mask, clean and white. A chilling mask, disasterous and deadly, but blanketing and sheltering. The snow covers branches, earth, and leaves like a false dream. A dream mistaken for a nightmare on the dead reaches of the street. Snow leaves morning grave-silent and still. Snow makes homes warmer. Snow makes imaginations more vivid. Snow makes pies and cookies appear on countertops. Snow makes plastic bags into coats for those on the street. Snow makes bodies warmer. Desires grow while watching flames lick the bricks lining fireplaces, teasing, tasting,. Snow makes Christmas feel like Christmas, and empty cupboards full from "charitable donations". Snow brings rose to cheeks, and scarlet wine to mouths. Snow causes celebration, migration, fornication and hibernation.

Time

I was sitting on the bed in the spare room this morning. I heard the faint tick, tick of a watch lost somewhere in the mess of drawers and baskets... lost in time, lost in itself. I sat listening to it for a while and thought: every tick of that little lost watch represents a second of time that I can never get back. I waste my time online, watching tv, staying in town. I waste seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, a lifetime... doing things that I don't care about. What I want is to make my life an adventure. I never want to be bored, and I never want to lonely. I am bored and lonely all the time, now. I was looking through pictures last night of when I was young. It seems like it was just yesterday when I could walk up to my brother or sister and give them a great big hug and tell them I loved them. Now, it's so hard to show love, those feelings of gratitude must be hidden... and I don't know why. I will try to start showing people that I love, that I love them. I will no longer waste my precious time, being proud.

Weather

The prompt today is... what type of weather are you like?

I am like dusk. Just after the sun falls behind the mountains, and a gentle wind blows silky clouds to brush noiselessly past the Cheshire Cat moon. The light from the sun is dim, almost like a light from the past, almost like it is trying not to be forgotten. The stars shimmer in the Eastern sky and blinking red lights from jet planes full of people I'll never meet pass overhead. The deep/sharp "who" from a waking owl repeats and repeats as the bird creates an echo by itself. The trees are black against the deep purple of the sky. I'm lonely like the moon is, only part of myself. Within this solitude, I find a near-peace. So close, it is, but just out of reach.

Underwater...

I guess, I need to write this down. The other night I saw a sunset so extraordinary. It was so normal, with greys, blues and white, no bright colors. But sunsets, depending on who you share them with, are incredible. We stood in the parking lot under a sky that tumbled and flowed over and within itself. "It looks like we're underwater," I said. "You would say that, Hannah. You're so poetic." Ah, yes I would, and who better to be underwater with than you? It was one of those simple things that makes my heart stop for a second and wait for my brain to catch up. It's words that break barriers. It's also words that break hearts. So, I fear this feeling, but this time I'm not going to run from it. This time I'll fence it in, control it, and let it free piece by piece, because this emotion is nothing to be scared of.

All Hallow's Eve...

In modern day society, Halloween can be quite happy. Children run around, dressed cute or scary, and get candy from adults who flock over their little costumes. But, way back when, Halloween was kind of an evil holiday. Some may have been happy, but most were frightened by it.


My Halloween was absolutely amazing. I spent 8.5 hours talking with the most amazing guy ever. Then, I went and hung out with two awesome ladies in a hot tub. I also learned something about myself.


I am afraid of being emotionally hurt, to the point that I can't get close to anyone. It seems like every attempt that I make to make something permanent, it seems to almost immediately fall apart. I don't know how to solve this problem, but I guess I need to try to, otherwise I'm going to continue to be used by people who don't care about me, and continue to use people who I don't care about.

Stars and Wishes

I saw a shooting star last night...

I wished for nothing, because I didn't want to tell that star my single wish. I can't exactly elaborate on this one thing that I wish would come true, because then the entire world wide wed would be abe to know my heart.

It's strange how time has made me change, how time has made everyone change. When I was younger, I'd see stars drop in the sky and wish that my parents would buy me a horse. That seems irrelevant now. It seems funny to think that my wish could be so common and widely desired, now, when I am the least common person that I know.

I think that I'm too proud for this wish...

new facebook application...

So the prompt was: create a new facebook application. What I will blog about: how I, apparently, got mentally slower over the summer. I took the SATs and scored a 1900 in May of 2009. The beginning of this month I took the SATs again... I scored a 1650. Oh, that is so average. I am so not average. Hmph. I guess, I should've tried much harder than I did. I guess, I should've not had a million things to worry about on test day. But, hey, it happens. My first score was great, hopefully good enough to get into Dartmouth.

Hum-drum uniquity

I hate it when new things, that were once wonderful and fresh, get old. I don't mean old in the sense that they're putting on years. I mean that they aren't new anymore, they are just things that I've seen and gotten used to. Like, my shoes, and my new hat, and my car, and my hoodie... it all gets old. Is it just the imprints of American society on my brain that makes me need to have changes and new things all the time? Or is it just my very short attention span that makes new things get old very, very fast? I don't like it though. It makes me feel spoiled and selfish. If I continually collect "new" things then where will I store all of the things that got old?

Understated

I think I finally know why I can't sleep at night: I hate sleeping alone. Okay, don't take that the wrong way, just let me elaborate. I slept with my dog every night for four years, it's hard to get used to sleeping alone when you've had someone on the other side of your bed. It's hard to get used to not being able to bury your face into a soft, furry neck when you woke up from a nightmare. It's hard to lay in bed, hugging a cold pillow instead of a warm pumpkin-pie colored body. I guess, I can't do it. I can't adjust to sleeping alone...

Funny how life just happens

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock and the phone ringing. I was a little dazed... my alarm clock doesn't normally sound like the phone. Then I realized that it MUST be my sister. My mom answered the phone. My sister went into labor at 7:00 this morning. My neice, the new baby's sister, Ruby, is so excited! She was holding her mommy's hand in the car on the way to the hospital telling her, it'll be okay, Mommy. We aren't sure if it will be a boy or a girl (I'm hoping boy), so I can't wait to find out! =]

When The World Ends

Using only song titles from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title.

Your Artist: Dave Matthews Band

Are you male or female: Repunzel

Describe yourself: So Much to Say

How do you feel about yourself: Grace is Gone

Describe where you currently live: Grey Street

The first thing you think of when you wake up: Ain't it Funny How Time Slips Away

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: One Sweet World

Your favorite form of transportation: Loving Wings

Your best friend is: The Idea of You

Your favorite color is: Grey Blue Eyes

What's the weather like: Rain

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: You Never Know

What is life to you: Funny The Way it Is

What is the best advice you have to give: Don't Drink The Water

If you could change your name, what would it be: Baby

Your favorite food is: Alligator Pie

How I would like to die: Lying in the Hands of God

My soul's present condition: Crazy

The faults I can bear: Let You Down

How would you describe your love life: Drive in, Drive out

What are you going to post this as: When the World Ends

idk

I'm not sure if I have anything to write about today. I have a theory as to why I'm always late for the first class in the morning. It is because I don't fall asleep until like 5 in the morning, and I have to wake up at 6:30... an hour and a half of sleep just isn't enough, so I hit the snooze button way too many times, that is, if I even wake up to the sound of my alarm clock. Now I have to do college applications, yay. I'd much rather be sleeping -_- z z Z Z

my strange morning metaphor.

Well... I guess, sometimes, discovering that you have feelings for someone is like finding the perfect pair of jeans. You try a nice looking pair of dark blue jeans on, awesome designs on the back pockets included. They fit perfect, they make you feel absolutely great. They accentuate curves, the pant legs don't need to be rolled. They are perfect. But when you look at the price tag you see $200 in fine black type. And, realizing that you're in high school and your mom will never pay $200 for a pair of jeans, you put them back on the rack. I guess, I could work extra, or wait a while... but, who wants to wait when you have perfection in your grasp. Some things just aren't meant to be, I guess.

my weekend...

My weekend was actually awesome. I got all of the multiple choice questions right on my online exam. Work was exciting! We had like 4 chaotic situations. I worked with the new guy, who I thought was going to be really mean (because EVERYONE pulled a crazy prank on me), but, he turned out really nice. My mom made pumpkin soup (YUM!). The last time I had it was in Baltimore, MD. I stayed home all weekend (except work). I went running, ate awesome food, and got a new hat. It was a good weekend! =]

On finding fear...

In my mind, fear is tactile. It hides in the deepest corners, whispering voiceless mutters that echo endlessly in my mind. It is alive, touching memories with cool fingers, like icy tree branches scratch across faces. I lose sight of it sometimes, but find it lurking behind membranes, poking tissues and nerves, and when I see it, I remember. I suppose, fear is just a part of me, like my heart, or my tongue. It is necessary, fear is what drives me, fear is what holds me back, fear makes me Hannah. Like my heart, pounding out it's purpose in my chest, fear screams and shouts until it's noticed. Some may say that fear is the enemy, but it's close, as close as skin. Fear is a part of us, we just need to know how to use it.

MAINE AUTUMN!!!

Okay... so, maybe none of you who follow my blog have been anticipating the post where I show you pictures of Maine autumn, but if you are, this is the one. I spent the day with my cousin, whom I hadn't spent time with in way too long. The air was cool and fresh, like mint ice cream. I didn't expect that day to be so awesome, but it was. I didn't have any homework to stress about. I spent most of the day outdoors, and then made cookies. Isn't it wonderful when all of your stresses just disappear for a little while?

Have you ever found...?

So I went to a Chinese restaurant on Sunday, the food was great. But, when I opened my fortune cookie... this is what it said: Force equals too much effort equals too little being equals enough. Does anyone have any insight at all to the meaning of this? I'm so confused by it.

Ohhh

Today was a good day...
That's all I have to say. x]

Autumn

So I'm going to take fall pictures today and monday... This weekend is going to be so busy. I don't have anything planned Monday, so I'm really looking forward to that.

When to take fall pictures...

One day very soon I am going to drive up my road and take some magnificent pictures of Autumn in Maine. I'll be sure to post them, but I'm just trying to decide the best day to actually take the pictures. It seems like I always wait just a little too long, hoping the leaves will just get a bit more red... and then I wind up taking pictures of a brown world, full of dead leaves clinging to their mother's branches for dear life. I will probably take pictures on Monday, since we don't have school.

"You cannot afford to wait for perfect conditions. Goal setting is often a matter of balancing timing against available resources. Opportunities are easily lost while waiting for perfect conditions." --Gary Ryan Blair

Today is Wednesday... I want to not have to go home tonight. I want to stand outside in the rain for no reason at all. I want the rain to make my skin so cold it hurts to touch anything. I want feel fine, for real, and not just have to say it when people ask "how are you?". I want people to understand that just because my opinion is different than theirs it doesn't mean I hate them. Just because people may fear confrontation and don't like being disagreed with, doesn't mean they have to hate me for voicing my opinion. =\ rough week so far...

blog about...

Ahhh hemmm... I don't know what to blog about today. David Letterman is married and he admitted to having sex with women that worked on his show in national TV. I don't know how I feel about it. Good for him that he admitted to it instead of being coerced. But, his poor wife. =\

random pretty thoughts...

Like snow lightly touches eyelashes on crisp January mornings,
you touch my heart.
Gently, slowly, playing my heartstrings
like fingers on a harp.


I wonder...
do thoughts of me dance through your mind
like a lilting lullaby?
Or is it only I
who finds myself swaying to the rhapsody
you conduct in my brain.

Fearing your eyes
will burn through me if I look too long.
I close my eyes
and drift away in your music...


This is just one of those random -quickly-crossed-my-mind type poems. I don't really like it, it doesn't make sense, and it's not dedicated to anyone. Just pretty words, fitted together to make a piece of music; I guess that's all poetry is... right?

Criminal Candy Eaters!!

So a study on some morning news show revealed that children who eat more candy as a child are more likely to be criminals. I think that inattentive parents who neglect their children are the ones who give their kids candy more often. So the study should actually be "Are children who's parents don't love them enough to feed them real food more likely to become criminals?". The Answer to that is obvious...YES!.

My Dream Car

Let me introduce all of you to the Aston Martin DBS. Stock, straight off the market, it is $250,000. When I was an aspiring lawyer I was convinced that I would be driving this car around Hartford, turning heads, and talking to people on my bluetooth touchpad. But now, it seems less important, since I don't plan on having a stable home. It's still a beautiful car though. I would love to own one. x]

college... again

I'm not going to lie. It will be a nice change to not be bothered every morning about being late, or having all my stuff for school. It will be nice to feel like an adult. But, I DON'T want to live in the dorms. Everyone that I've talked to about it says that the dorms are great. They would help me meet people. I would be fine though. I'm great at meeting people in all sorts of settings, so if I do a lot of extracurricular stuff I'll be fine. I'll also have an apartment all to myself and have my own bathroom. I'd have a quiet space to study, but I'd hopefully make some friends in the dorms so I can go to some of the parties....

Derrion's Death

I was eating my breakfast this morning, Cinnimon Life, and I decided to turn on the News. The first story to come on after the commercial about chef-designed-dogfood was about a 16 year old who was walking home from school when he got caught in the middle of a gang war. He was an "innocent bystander" who was beaten to death. Derrion was an honor-student at a high school in Chicago. His death should be a lesson to the world... "violence is not the answer". Where I live, in a very rural town in Maine, there aren't any gangs. But, hate and high school drama emerge when you'd least expect. Fighting between small groups is a natural occurance. I'm sure if we lived in a city these small groups would turn into gangs. But, some of us, like Derrion Albert refuse to take part in the hate and violence. I didn't know him, but I respect him, and sympathise with his family. And to those who have been a part of the violence, small or large scale, I hope that you can learn from Derrion's death.

colors...

Driving to work today I realized : 1. that I am officially commuting to work, 2. that the windshield wipers in my car are much more efficient than the one's on my mom's car, and 3. that the rain is extraordinarily beautiful. The sky was grey and the birds were gathering so each flock that flew overhead looked suspiciously ominous, singular black spots flying together in one large group. The grass and the trees seemed to breathe with the wind as they digested the moisture falling from the sky. But, in all it's beauty, the rain will never have one thing that sunny days do. That one missing thing, is color. The leaves are changing, and on such an overcast day their colors were dim. The normally bright reds and oranges seemed almost brown. The only solution for this problem is to turn on the sun when it's raining. Can't you imagine walking down the street on a nice sunny day with the rain pouring down? Or puddle jumping the rain? It sounds like fun to me.

homeless...

I had no idea that there was a shelter nearby. I think that is awesome. Opening doors to people from all different backgrounds, and with problems of many scales, would be very difficult. It could even be dangerous. But, these people need somewhere to go, esp. in Maine (it's cold for like 75% of the year). It would be costly to feed them, and it would be difficult to turn people away if there wasn't anymore room. I would definitely volunteer there if I could find the time. I would like to talk to some of these people... maybe they haven't had the chance to tell their story to anyone. I think everyone deserves the chance to tell their story. It makes people feel valued, like their life is worth something. If they didn't want to share that would be fine... but, I think a lot of people would.

about school shutting down...

Honestly... I don't give a crap. It's my senior year, I won't be here next year. Sure it wouldn't be very healthy for the town, but the town isn't very healthy as it is. No one seems to care about the kids of this town, no one seems to give a damn about us... I can't wait to leave. Maybe if we had more to do, more extracurricular activities, then we'd have better things to do than walk the streets.

Just random...

There is nothing so mesmerizing as lights at night. I don't think that I should be so distracted as I'm driving through town at night, but I get that way. When I'm just riding, not driving, in the passenger seat, it's worse. It's pretty much senseless to try to talk to me. It's like I'm dreaming, not thinking, just floating along. It's quite beautiful. Yes, I'm a little insane. That's okay though...

So... I went on Pyzam.com. A website with amazing blogger backgrounds that DON'T WORK! It's the ultimate tease website. I found a perfect template and obviously it doesn't work. I'm annoyed... I'm going to continue trying to put one on though. Does anyone have any advice??

The Common Ground Fair

The Common Ground Fair is quite an experience. There are so many animals... (I love animals =). The pizza, which is homemade and deliciously organic, is worthy of some kind of award. And, the ice cream... made from real cream that isn't processed or filled with chemicals, is to die for. It was probably the best ice cream I've ever had. If you've never been, or never heard of it, check out the website, get directions, and GO!

October Love

Sweet, cool air
fills lungs
red like leaves.

Senses feeling,
tasting, smelling,
seeing, hearing
Autumn.

Like Autumn is
alive.

my weekend...

Friday night activities: soccer practice, almost-bonfire, Jen's house, blogging, bed.

Saturday activities: played in a soccer game that we won, had a killer headache, got rid of a killer headache, got in an argument with my dad, went to see Grease (live theater), danced, talked to cute college guys, got ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery, went home and went to bed.

Sunday activities: wrote an essay for AP Art History, went to put gas in my car, went to work, stapled my thumb at work, went to Shannon's for like 5 minutes, came home, did Advanced Creative Writing homework, went to bed.

Over all it was a pretty good weekend. I managed to get all my homework done in reasonable time. Work was also pretty damn awesome. I think I might work with some of the coolest co-workers on the planet. x]

Again... on dreaming (Please read "fresh... like pineapple" the post before this one)

I pity those who don't remember their dreams... but, sometimes I wish I hadn't remembered mine (like last night). It seems that every time I get over someone I end up having an amazing dream about them that brings all those feelings back. Usually the dreams just consist of riding around in a truck with that person, or going out for dinner, simple things that make me miss him (whoever he is at the time). Honestly, I was doing just fine until today, when my mind decided that it wasn't going to let me get over him. And now, knowing that I can't do a thing about it, it's killing me.

Dreams are where all my crazy ideas are turned into epic films. I would much rather have an epic war movie, or a fantasy adventure film running through my brain than a romance... So today, I will fill my thoughts with unicorns and dragons in hopes that my dreams will let me forget about him.

Fresh... like pineapple.

I wonder sometimes... is it a common dream to be "average"? Do people really have the desire to blend in with society? I wonder if I am that different... What I want, what I have always wanted, is to be known around the nation, if not around the world. I want people to know who I am, I want to know lots of people, and I want people to want to get to know me. I've never desired to be a teacher or a nurse (not saying that you can't be a spectacular, original person if that is your profession) because when someone asks me, I need to be able to tell them all that I've done and see their eyes light up with interest. I want to be able to teach people things from the many lessons I'll learn from the many experiences I'll have. I want to know about people, and not about politics, medicine, or computers. I want my experiences to mold me, and link me to places where no one's even heard of. This desire might have come from the lack of culture and variety of my hometown, but I know that until I accomplish my goal of seeing the people of the world up close I'll never be happy. Is it the common dream to have a family? To fall in love? To just be happy? If so, this dream just isn't mine. Does this need to witness things, change things, be a part of the big picture belong to anyone else? Please... someone leave some comments about your personal goals!

This blog is in response to this video.

Simon and Garfunkel have and always will be AWESOME! Usually when singers get older their voices gradually get worse and worse... not these guys. My favorite Simon and Garfunkel song is Scaraborough Fair, I can play it on piano! =]

On dreaming...

I am one of those people who remembers quite a few of my dreams. It seems that 70% of the dreams I remember are nightmares (or have some nightmare-ish content). In the past six months I have had 10 (or so) dreams about the blue monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. These monkeys are either flying in flocks in the sky, attacking me, sitting on shelves, reflected in the mirror, or anything that my mind can fathom these scary creatures doing. They've never hurt me and I've never even touched one in a dream, they are just there (and they are scary). Do these monkeys symbolize something? Do I have a strange obsession with them? Why do they flood my dreams? ...Any dream analysts out there who would like to offer some clarification?

Gargoyles

Last night I had a pretty strange dream (well, it wasn't that strange for me, but for any normal person it would've been). I dreamed that I was standing on the roof of this massive castle, but I couldn't move. The sun was setting directly in front of me, creating a bright pink and yellow blur, I couldn't close my eyes or look away. Gradually, as the sun began to fall behind the distant purple mountains I regained my mobility. First it was my eyes, I could move them, and blink. Next, it was my fingers, then my head, then my legs, and when the sun completely sank behind the mountains I could flex my wings. In the dream, it seemed completely normal that I had wings (of course, when I woke up I was like wtf?). When the first star shone in the sky I leaped off the roof of the building. Free-falling at first was exhilarating, but then I remembered my wings. Flying of my own accord was indescribable. Feeling the rush of wind through my hair, and feeling the heaving of my chest with the effort of regaining the height I'd lost from my dive off the roof. It was an incredible dream, if only it had been real...

College?!

Riding home from the soccer game (where we were slaughtered 8-1) last night I decided that I was not going to school today. But, when I got home I encountered something that quickly changed my mind. Sitting on my counter was a large white envelope from Dartmouth College addressed to me! I opened it and found a large pamphlet and smaller checklist. I sat down and while icing my ankle, looked through the pamphlet. In it there were images of happy Dartmouth students standing in front the historic campus buildings that I've seen numerous times. I decided that I needed to go to school, no matter how sick I was, so I could start my Dartmouth application.
...And that is just what I did this morning. I have almost completely accepted the fact that I will be going to college and starting my life in 9 months. That is so scary!! I've lived in the same state, the same town, the same street, THE SAME HOUSE for 18 years. I still feel like I'm 5. But, I am ready to go out and meet people. I'm ready to go out and learn about the world. I just want the chance to be myself, who I really am, without being subjected to the judgemental eyes of "nowhereville". I guess college is my chance to start new.

For my world-wide audience

In response to Mrs. L...
Since I am new at this blogging thing (hard to believe, but true) I am infatuated by the idea that I have an audience to read what I write. Maybe no one really reads my blogs, but just the idea that I am correlating the jumble of ideas in my head so that others can understand my perspective of things is intriguing to me. If I were to just simply send my journal entries to my teacher without worrying that other students (or my mysterious online audience) were going to view it I wouldn't take the time to use words such as "correlate" and "intrigue". I think that adding a blogging component to class was absolutely genius. If students know that they potentially have a world-wide audience, they will (almost assuredly) be more apt to put thought behind what they write. So, kudos to Mrs. L!!!

Misunderstanding...

"Unapproachable" is how She described it, I think. Unapproachable like a sleeping grizzly bear? Or like Beyonce? Because the first you don't even want to go near; anyone in their right mind would go out of their way to stay out of it's way. And the latter... I mean, come on it's Beyonce. Everyone probably wants to go right up and have a nice conversation about the weather with her... but who has the guts to? I guess how She described me only affected me because I want to make money meeting people, unapproachable journalists just don't get far. When I reflect upon my first day at my job I see outgoing, not unapproachable. And, when introducing me to a new employee yesterday, my manager said "And this is Hannah, she's just Hannah... that's really the only way to describe her" I definitely favor this description. I have never and will never try to be like anyone but myself, but the last thing I want to be is unapproachable. Maybe it is people that I've known for a long time that saw how I used to interact with new acquaintances who still think I'm shy. (For any of you who may think that) That is NOT the case! I love meeting people, and hearing their stories, because everyone has got one to tell, and none of them are the same. I really hope that I'm not unapproachable though.

This Blog's Purpose

This blog is to aid in my self discovery... It is my senior year, and as most of you probably know, there are a lot of transitions to deal with this year. There are many things I will need to know about myself, the world, and other people before I venture off into the "foreign" world of college. I'm going to post what I learn this year in this blog... in hopes that maybe, I can assist someone else in their own self-discovery.

Salutations!

Thanks for checking out my blog. I'm sure my posts will get gradually more interesting as I adjust to how this blog-site works... so keep checking back =]

Oh... I'm sort of in love with Fez. Just so you all know. xP